


i'll fade away (and not face the facts)

by laszlokreizlers



Category: That '70s Show
Genre: F/M, Fix It Fic, alternating pov, barely edited, s7 finale through s8 finale, steven hyde emo hours, third person, zenmasters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2020-04-24
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:08:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23826604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laszlokreizlers/pseuds/laszlokreizlers
Summary: Looking at Jackie is like looking at the sun. He knows it's bad for him, and it hurts, and when he looks away he can’t see anything but the imprint of her face on the back of his eyelids.
Relationships: Jackie Burkhart/Steven Hyde
Comments: 20
Kudos: 75





	i'll fade away (and not face the facts)

**Author's Note:**

> This started as just me wanting to see Kitty comfort Hyde after Chicago, and then it spiraled into this. Title from Paint It Black by The Rolling Stones. Playlist was just 70's rock or s5 in the background. I rewatched up until Sam leaving, but the rest of season 8, including the finale, I've only seen once and I barely remember it, so theres a Lot of artistic liberty in this.

The image of Kelso bursting into the motel room keeps entering his mind. 

He didn’t even let Jackie explain. He probably should have, but seeing them like that, with all their history- well, he’s always jumped to conclusions. 

He can feel the little bump in his jacket pocket where the ring box is tucked away, ready to go on Jackie’s finger, never to see the light of day because he was throwing it in a lake as soon as he got the chance. 

Steven Hyde isn’t a crier. But, despite his best efforts, he loves Jackie Burkhart, and Jackie Burkhart has, apparently, left him to get back together with her idiot ex-boyfriend. He’s not a crier, but Kelso, one of his best friends, is sleeping with his girlfriend. 

But he’ll deny there were any tears shed. Deny that as annoying as she was, he just lost the love of his life. He’ll quietly return the ring to the jewelry store, get his money back, buy some pot. 

As he looks around the El Camino, he sees pieces of Jackie everywhere. A hairbrush in the glove box, tissue box in the back seat, but ideas of things too, like the windows she loved to roll down on the highway and the hand she’d rest on his cheek when they kissed goodnight. he knows it’ll be worse in his room, with those pieces of Jackie everywhere. 

He goes to a bar and gets absolutely shitfaced. The look of despair he thought he could hide behind the shades makes the bartender pity him enough to give him a free shot of whiskey, and he has half a mind to find someone here to spend a night with, but even after what happened at the hotel, he still can’t bring himself to give anybody a second look. 

She’s haunting every corner of his mind. Every sip of beer he takes, every shot of whiskey some flirty 20-something buys him, brings back memories of her, of them together. The bartender dumps him in a cab because “buddy, you can’t even say your name right”, and he barely makes it back to the Forman’s because he can’t quite enunciate their address. It’s 3:30 am, everyone’s asleep and he's _o drunk, how is he ever going to get to his room without making noise? _But somehow he does. When he flips the switch, it’s pink and glowing from the twinkle lights and his bed looks _so cozy _and-____

____And then he remembers who put up the twinkle lights. Who made up this bed. He almost sobs._ _ _ _

____He’ll blame it all on the alcohol. When they broke up last time, he had taken everything down calmly, like it had never mattered to him. But this time- it’s an insane frenzy of tearing down the lights and gauzy fabric wrapped around the vents, the drapery on the walls._ _ _ _

____The various pictures of him and Jackie._ _ _ _

____The portrait of Jackie he had taken once, framed on his nightstand._ _ _ _

____He smashes that one on the floor._ _ _ _

____He can’t bring himself to stay in that room. He heads out to the couch and turns on the television before passing out. Tomorrow, he’ll get his car, and then he’s getting the hell out of this house. Getting the hell out of point place. He can’t think straight, but whether that’s because of the breakup or the alcohol is hard to figure out. All he knows is that everything here makes him think of her, and he thinks of her one more time- he doesn't know what he’ll do._ _ _ _

____All he knows for sure, he thinks as his eyes slip closed, is that he’s heading west, and he’ll have a damn good time doing it. No Jackie out west. None of his friends out west. A fresh start._ _ _ _

____Exactly what he needs._ _ _ _

____ _ _

____Kitty shuts the washing machine with a bang, startling Hyde awake. “Jeez, Mrs. Forman, it’s early. Do you have to make that much noise?”_ _ _ _

____“It’s noon, Steven, why are you still asleep?” she asks without turning around. “Actually, why are you here? I thought you went to Chicago.”_ _ _ _

____He rubs his eyes. “I did. And then I came back.” His voice is softer than he intended, giving too much away._ _ _ _

____“Oh.” There’s something that’s not quite pity, just more of a general sadness in her voice. He blindly grabs around for his shades, but Kitty finds them first, hands them to him, and sits down next to him. “Are you okay, honey?”_ _ _ _

____Hyde’s first instinct, when asked if he’s okay, is to say he’s fine- he doesn’t need people to worry about him, and he usually _is _fine- but this time he isn't, and this is Mrs. Forman. She practically raised him.___ _ _ _

______He shakes his head._ _ _ _ _ _

______She pats him gently on the back. “Let’s go upstairs. I’ll make you a sandwich.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______ _ _ _ _

______Without prompting, she makes the lunch she would make when he was little, spending all his time hanging around her house to avoid going to his own. He hasn’t had it since- god, since middle school probably. No one else made a grilled cheese sandwich and chocolate milk quite like Mrs. Forman. She quietly sits next to him at the kitchen table, lets him take his time to talk- and to eat. He barely has an appetite, and not just because of his wicked hangover, but it is a good reminder of why his favorite vice is grass._ _ _ _ _ _

______He tries hard to hold off on saying anything until he’s had more of his sandwich, but he feels like he might explode, and the words tumble out. “It makes sense now. I mean, they dated and he cheated on her, and they broke up, and then we dated and I cheated on her, and now-” he takes a sip of his chocolate milk- “and now she’s cheated on me with him.” He laughs slightly, but there’s no humor behind it. “I just can’t believe I bought her a damn ring.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______He knows that under different circumstances, Kitty would be jumping for joy if she heard that Hyde was going to propose. But it isn’t different circumstances, so she gently puts her hand on his shoulder and squeezes. She doesn’t say anything for a long while and he chokes down more of his sandwich, and then, “Did you let her explain?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______No, he jumped to conclusions like a dumbass. “Mrs. Forman, Kelso burst into the room in only a towel and said ‘no one can see us doing it from the parking lot.’ There isn’t much to explain.” He quickly drinks the rest of the milk and pushes the plate away. “But whatever. It’s fine. I didn’t want to marry her anyways.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______It’s a lie, and both he and Mrs. Forman know it, but she holds her tongue. It’s not the time to be cheeky about his feelings. “So what are you going to do now?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______He shrugs. “Drive till I forget her. I don’t have a plan, I just need to go.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“And the ring?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______He had so many thoughts of what to do with that ring- throw it in the lake, or off of Mount Hump; return it to the store; sell it once he ended up somewhere- that he didn’t really know. “I’m gonna leave it here.” He looks over at her. He knows his eyes are shiny with unshed tears, and he praises whatever god that invented shades for hiding them. “Can you- if she comes back- don’t tell her about the ring? Or where I’m going?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Of course sweetheart.” Kitty stands up, and he rises with her. Lets her hold him close like he’s a third-grader with a skinned knee instead of a 19 year old who just had his heart broken. When she loosens her grip, he gives her a quick kiss on the cheek and pulls away._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I’m gonna go pack.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Do you want some help?” Her voice sounds watery and small._ _ _ _ _ _

______“No, I think I’m okay- oh, Mrs. Forman, please don’t cry.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______But its too late for that. She pulls him into a hug again. “My last child is leaving the house. Eric’s in Africa, Laurie is god knows where, and now you’re leaving. I’m going to be alone for the first time in 25 years.” She pulls away. “Call me when you get to wherever you’re going, okay?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Of course. Thank you for everything, Mrs. Forman.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______He dashes to the basement before she can burst into tears again._ _ _ _ _ _

______He haphazardly throws clothes into a duffle not caring what he takes- until he looks at his shirts. He’s seen Jackie in half of these; when she was staying with him and needed a nightshirt, or after they had sex and she didn’t want to put on whatever uncomfortable top she’d had on before. She still has that Zeppelin shirt too. Damn it._ _ _ _ _ _

______He can’t just not pack shirts, and he’s going to think of her no matter what, so he pushes the image of her dancing to the music she claimed to hate in his Stones shirt to the back of his mind._ _ _ _ _ _

______When he gets to his jacket he pauses before he reaches gingerly into the pocket to pull out the ring box. He can barely look at it, and he knows that if he looks at the ring, he’ll lie down in his bed and probably never get up, so he shoves it quickly into the drawer he had kept his pants in._ _ _ _ _ _

______He’s all packed and ready to go._ _ _ _ _ _

______He takes one last look at the room he’s stayed in for nearly four years, grabs his keys, and leaves to head west, wherever that takes him._ _ _ _ _ _

______ _ _ _ _

____________ _ _ _ _ _

______ _ _ _ _

______He didn’t even stick around. That’s what hurts the most._ _ _ _ _ _

______The second Michael ran from the room, Jackie had started to talk, to say it wasn’t what it looked like, but Steven just shook his head and walked out the door, hands in his pockets, ignoring her desperate pleas for him to stay, hear her out. She never even got a chance. She was left sitting on the bed sobbing, waiting for Michael to come back- but he never did. He had run too. She was alone again._ _ _ _ _ _

______As crappy as they could be to each other sometimes, she was pretty sure Steven was the person she was meant to be with, and she’d ruined it by having her idiot ex-boyfriend chauffer her to Chicago, but what else was she supposed to do? It wasn’t like she knew he was going to make a move on her._ _ _ _ _ _

______What would she have done if Steven hadn’t shown up? If Steven hadn’t come, and Michael barrelled in and said what he had? She thought Steven was through with her, had dumped her without even saying anything._ _ _ _ _ _

______She probably would have done it with Michael._ _ _ _ _ _

______God, her self esteem really is in the toilet._ _ _ _ _ _

______She roughly wipes her eyes and stands up shakily, heading to the bathroom and running water for a bath, before sitting on the toilet seat and starting to cry again. What had she done?_ _ _ _ _ _

______ _ _ _ _

______She’s still not quite steady when she starts her new job three days later, but she brushes it off before she walks in and puts on a camera-ready smile, meets with the showrunner, and begins to discuss just what her segment will be. It’s close to what her public access show was, just more refined. Fashion advice, celebrity gossip, stuff to keep it light for the rest of the news about murder and politics or whatever news people talk about. Occasionally, the showrunner- Andrew- says, maybe an advice segment for the “viewers with lonely hearts.” Her smile falters at that, but she agrees- even if her own love life is in ruins, she’s still damn good at fixing other peoples._ _ _ _ _ _

______They put together her segment, structure and content, her whole first week. She’s never worked this long or this hard, and she loves every minute of it. She’s almost completely in charge, she gets to boss people around, she gets to get out of her head for a while. On Friday, she goes back to her hotel room and celebrates a successful first week by popping open one of those tiny bottles of vodka in the minifridge, and then another one, and gets hammered. But then she starts to think._ _ _ _ _ _

______The whole week, she had been so busy, she hadn’t even had a second to think about what happened with Steven. Or Michael. But now she’s relaxed, and she’s drinking, and she desperately needs to call Steven and explain. Or call Michael and berate him for ruining her relationship and then not even staying to help her get used to Chicago. It‘s only 9 pm, both of them are home and awake._ _ _ _ _ _

______She doesn’t hesitate to dial the Forman’s house._ _ _ _ _ _

______Much to her surprise, Red picks up. “Hello?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______It’s nice to hear his familiar, gruff voice, but it’s not the one she wanted. She puts on her best Sober Jackie facade. “Hi Mr. Forman, I hope I didn’t wake you up. I was just hoping I could talk to Steven?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Steven?” He sounds strangely confused. “Steven’s not here, Jackie. He left about a week ago.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Yeah, to come to Chicago. And then he went back home. Right?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“He came home for a few hours and then left. Made Kitty cry for three days, you know, and it’s because-“ He stops himself. “The point is, he left. Took most of his stuff with him.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Her heart drops into her stomach. “Left? Like moved out? To where? Do you have his number?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“We… we don’t know. Kitty told him to call when he got to wherever he ended up, but it’s been a week and she’s heard nothing.” He sighs. “Look, if we get a call, we’ll let you know, but he might not be coming back anytime soon.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Oh. Well. Okay. Have a good night, Mr. Forman.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Yeah… you too….”_ _ _ _ _ _

______The line goes dead._ _ _ _ _ _

______What does he mean, left? Like to an apartment complex? To Milwaukee? Or like how Donna and Michael did the summer she and Hyde got together, just running off to California without a word?_ _ _ _ _ _

______That reminds her. She needs to call Michael. And then maybe Donna. She needs all the emotional support she can get._ _ _ _ _ _

______He picks up on the third ring. “Hello?” He sounds like he was sleeping._ _ _ _ _ _

______“How _dare _you, Michael Kelso!”___ _ _ _ _ _

________“Jackie?” How does he sound confused? Had he already forgotten what he did?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Yeah, it’s Jackie! You know, the girl who’s relationship you wrecked?!” She doesn’t mean to sound this angry, but everyone knows that when she’s drunk she’s either sweet as pie or mad as hell. “You made my boyfriend think I was cheating on him and then you didn’t even come back. You ran off because you’re a coward, Michael Kelso, you’re an awful coward and I never want to see you again!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Come on, Jackie, you don’t mean that…” But there's a little fear in his voice. Good._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“You left me in a city I’ve never been to, in a hotel room, all by myself. Do you know how scary this place is? I don’t know what Brooke was thinking! I would never purposefully have a baby here! It’s disgusting, and I’m alone!” She takes a deep breath and wipes her eyes. She didn’t realize she had started to cry. “I hope you’re happy, Michael, because I’m not, and Steven’s not, and no one knows where he is, and it’s because you insisted on walking around in a towel!” she slams the phone down on the receiver._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Okay. She’s definitely too pissed off to call Donna. She’ll do that in the morning, although Donna’s probably going to hear Michael’s side about how Jackie called him all crazy before she can tell her that she just lost the person who mattered most to her in the world because of him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________She needs to sleep. All these late nights and early mornings are taking a toll. As she changes into pajamas, she spots the birthday Zeppelin shirt underneath her actual clothes. It still smells like home, a little bit like pot and a musty basement and overwhelmingly of Steven- the nice cologne she had bought him for an anniversary and the detergent Kitty used. after a second of thinking, she pulls it on. She drinks some water, turns on the TV, and curls up, wrapping her arms around a pillow and pretending she’s back in Steven’s basement bedroom after he found out how long her mom had been gone. Another tear leaks out as she thinks about it, how he had let her leave her morning routine stuff and half her wardrobe there, how nice it was to have someone to wake up next to every day. How fun it was to sneak around, try not to get caught coming into the basement. Sometimes, he’d be asleep when she got there, so she would get changed as quietly as possible and slide in next to him slowly and carefully- but he would wake up anyways. Just for a moment, just to give her a quick kiss and tell her goodnight, adjust his position so he could hold her, and then he’d be back to sleep before she knew it. She was always the last to fall asleep._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________The memories of their short domestic period of living together start to melt together, the smell of her shirt making her feel more at home than she has in a year, and she can almost believe that it isn’t a pillow she’s curled up with- it’s her loving boyfriend. She lets the idea of being with him again take her into sleep._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________She doesn’t dream for the first time in days._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________She’s three weeks in at the station, and while she loves her job, there’s something missing. She’s got a hole in her heart that Steven used to fill, and while she knows she’s a strong, independent woman, she’s also pretty sure that she’s going to feel that emptiness until she figures out how to get over him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________It’s her first week doing a segment she’s calling “Jackie Valentine,” the romantic advice section Andrew had suggested on the first day. Most of the questions are pretty basic- how do I tell my crush I like him? How do I flirt with a girl?- but when she starts to see the ones asking how to propose or how to confront a cheating partner, she has to excuse herself to the restroom to take some deep breaths and wish she had brought a stash to Chicago._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________She dabs under eyes with some paper towel and puts her camera smile back on her face, ready to go out and give advice with as much pep and honesty as she can without getting angry about how she had been heartbroken by cheaters and broken proposals. They rehearse it that night, she does her live segment the next day, she goes home and drinks on a Tuesday night, a new personal low. She tried so hard not to let the questions get to her, but she nearly broke down the minute the cameras turned off._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________She wants to go home. She hates staying in a hotel, and she can’t find any apartments she can afford, and she’s so lonely, and she wants to see her friends. No, she wants to see Steven. Why lie?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Its been almost a month. He’s got to be home by now, right? Maybe the Forman’s just forgot to call- Red was known to do that._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Missing him feels like an itch she won’t be able to scratch until she sees him and explains what happened. Even if he doesn’t take her back, at least she’ll be able to say she tried._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________She hands in her two weeks’ notice that Monday. Andrew tells her she can pick up her last paycheck on Friday, and don’t bother planning for next week. He’s pissed off, and he should be, but it still hurts that he won’t even let her have a send-off week. Its the least she deserves after she helped one of the morning anchors leave his cheating, no-good wife._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Now that she has no segments to plan, she spends all her nights watching bad tv until she passes out, packing and repacking her clothes, trying to plan what she’ll say when she gets home._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________She picks up her check and catches a cab straight to the bus station. She’s ready to be home._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________She’s been in Point Place for about seven hours and she’s already attacked Michael, listened to Steven yell at her, and ripped the head off a unicorn. She’s so embarrassed- honestly, she’s surprised she hasn’t left town yet._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________And now she’s sitting in front of Steven, explaining again that nothing happened and it's just a misunderstanding. “Steven, I am so sorry about what happened in Chicago. I was alone and I thought I lost you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Hyde shrugs, his expression hidden behind his glasses. “Yeah well, I can see why you thought that.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Look, why didn't you tell me sooner you wanted to get married?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He shrugs again. “Because I wasn't sure I wanted to. And now that I've thought about it, I'm right, I'm not ready to be married yet.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Jackie perks up when she hears that. “Yet? Oh, okay.” she can work with ‘yet’. ‘Yet’ is practically an engagement to be engaged._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Kitty talks into her little microphone again- she was probably taping the entire conversation. “Well there you have it, Eric,” she says quietly, “Steven's not ready to get married yet.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Jackie smiles a little bit and starts to reach her hand out to grab Steven’s when the doorbell rings. Kitty scurries over, opens it, and some random tramp stands outside. “Hi, I'm looking for… Hyde!” She pushes past Kitty and moves over to the couch. “Hey, baby!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________Baby? ____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Hyde looks confused, like he doesn't quite remember this girl or where she’s from. It gives her hope until he says, “Hey... Sam.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Jackie cant keep the contempt out of her voice. “Who the hell is that?!” _And why is she calling him baby? _____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“This is Sam. She's a st...exotic dancer I met in Vegas.” A stripper? He made friends with a _stripper _? Hyde shakes his head. “I'm sorry, what are you doing here?”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Sam the skank widens her eyes. “You don't remember? We got married.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Jackie’s heart drops._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Steven stands up, practically shouting “What?” at the same time Jackie shouts “Oh my god!” and runs out of the room._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________She knew she shouldn’t trust him. Yet isn’t a promise of jack shit. She bolts over to Donna’s, ready to pack her stuff back up and head to Chicago. There’s nothing left in Point Place. And this time, it’s confirmed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Sam’s gone._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________It's not that Hyde feels heartbroken or anything, it just feels… odd. A little sad, but it also feels strangely good to have her gone. He didn’t love Sam. He probably didn’t feel anything romantic, but he was so fucked up in Vegas he can’t remember what he saw, let alone what he felt._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________The whole time he and Sam were together, he felt a twinge of regret every time he looked at Jackie. Or talked to her. Towards the end, he had to drink when they were in the same room. If he didn’t, he probably would have done something stupid, like apologize or grab her hand or something. If they were the only two people in a room, one of them left, usually Jackie; if the group was having a conversation, they antagonized each other; the only time they had willingly worked together was when they were spying on Donna and Randy._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________He hated to admit it, but he missed her. He wasn't going to tell her that, obviously, but it’s hard to look at her and not think about their past._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________But he knows she’s over him. He knew it from when she moved in with Fez, and it was confirmed after the fair when she said she wished she had been drunk when they were dating. He’s surprised he had managed a witty comeback with how gone he was. But the beer didn’t quite mask the hurt from the comment._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________So maybe he let her fall into a creek. Maybe he burns her every chance he gets. What else is he supposed to do? He’s not getting over it any of the usual ways (although maybe drunk marrying a stripper in Vegas isn’t the usual way). The meaner he is, the less he’ll care, hopefully._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________But it isn’t working, and now Sam’s been gone for two weeks and Jackie’s presence hurts even more._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Looking at Jackie is like looking at the sun. He knows it's bad for him, and it hurts, and when he looks away he can’t see anything but the imprint of her face on the back of his eyelids._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________That's how it feels now. They're all sitting in the basement, watching TV, and Hyde’s rubbing his eyes and trying to ignore Jackie, but she keeps making snarky comments from across the room, and he can’t tell if he wants her to get out or if he wants her to stay and keep talking. It's a fine line that he’s walking, having her there, but it feels like every time she leaves there's a chance she won't come back. So he doesn’t say anything, he suffers through knowing that he’s still in love with a girl he’s tried so hard to hate. Knowing that he let himself fall in love with her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________He cracks open another beer._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Everyone hangs around for a few hours, but Donna has work, and then Randy goes to Grooves, and Fez cracks an uncomfortable joke and excuses himself to “take care of something,” and it's just Hyde and Jackie._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________But only for what feels like 30 seconds. “I should go,” Jackie says suddenly, standing up quickly and adjusting her skirt._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“See you later,” he says absently, watching as whatever dumb show was on turns into The Price Is Right. And for some reason, as the theme starts, and Jackie’s halfway out the door, he calls out, “Jackie, wait.” She pauses. Turns around and raises an eyebrow. “Can we… can we talk?” _What the hell are you doing, man? _____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________She groans, stomps over to the couch, and sits down, right next to his chair, right where she used to. Hyde is silent for a minute, trying to figure out what he wants to say, why he even asked her to say, and she impatiently taps her foot and says, “Well, spit it out, Steven!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________Just like the old days _, he thinks bitterly. He takes off his shades, rubs a hand over his face, and just tells her the truth. “I should have kicked Sam out the minute she got here. Or before she decided to move in. Letting her stay- acting like we were married- that was the stupidest thing I’ve ever done.” He’s scared to look her in the eye, and his eyes settle for somewhere around her hairline. It’s stupid of him, but they’ve known each other for so long that if he looks at her, actually looks, they’ll be able to see what the other is thinking.__ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________Jackie’s silent. He didn’t expect silence, not from the most talkative person he’s met. He’s about to open his mouth to fill the silence, but in her iciest voice, Jackie finally speaks. “You’ve done a lot of stupid things. Are you sure this is the stupidest?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“This, and not listening to you explain what happened that night.” She snorts, darts her eyes towards the door. “Jackie, come on, please just hear me out. I was drunk and confused, and I thought you cheated, and I made a stupid mistake.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“So why did you let her stay? If it was such a big mistake?” Her voice is thick and wavering, and he knows she’s holding back tears. “I mean, was it really more important to be married to a fucking stripper than to make up with me?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“I didn’t think you wanted to make up! Not after she showed up!” He’s shouting now, and he shouldn’t, but he doesn’t know how else to do this. In his life, shouting is the only way to express important things. To show that he cares. “You ran out. You didn’t want to know anything about what happened.” He reaches out, tries to take her hand the way she used to like, but she moves it out of his reach at the last second, and his hand lands on the arm of the couch. Scoots away from him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________He realizes she’s afraid. She’s afraid of Hyde. She’s scared of his yelling, and he’s ashamed that he forgot she hates it. They’d had so many long conversations about their families, and about the constant screaming matches between Jackie’s parents, about how much she hates it, how it would get turned towards her. And now he’s doing it. God, he’s such a jackass._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________He softens his voice. “I’m sorry, Jackie, I didn’t mean to yell, I just-“ He rubs his hand over his face again. “I’m just really sorry about how everything went down.” He forces himself to look directly at her. She never takes him seriously when he avoids meeting her eyes, and he wants- no, needs her to listen. “Jackie, will you please look at me?” Reluctantly, Jackie dabs at her eyes with her sleeve and slowly turns to face him. Her eyes are glittering with unshed tears, but her stare is ice cold. “Jackie, I miss you. I miss being with you, and talking to you, and I want to fix this.” He hasn’t been this honest with her in- well, possibly ever. “Just tell me what to do.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________She laughs humorlessly, shakes her head, looks at the TV. “How stupid do you think I am, Steven? You don’t miss me, you miss having a bed buddy.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“Jackie, that’s not-“_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“But it _is _. You leave me and marry a stripper, and then the stripper leaves and you want me back?” She fixes a piece of hair that's fallen in her face, one that Hyde’s wanted to tuck behind her ear for the last few minutes. “Sorry Steven, but that's bull and we both know it. You don't go from dropping me in a creek to randomly wanting me back!”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“It’s not random.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“You have been mean to me for weeks!” She’s the one raising her voice, the conversation hitting a fever pitch. “All you’ve done is tell me how glad you are we aren’t together and how big my mouth is and how you regret the last three years!” The tears are flowing freely now, and if this was last year, before everything happened, he would have reached out, pulled her into his lap, wiped them away with his thumb. But he has to hold himself back and watch as she tugs at the end of her sleeve and aggressively wipes her face. “I’m sorry, Steven. But I just can’t trust you, and I don’t know if I can ever trust you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“And I don’t expect you to,” he says quietly. He’s done his shouting. It’s Jackie’s turn to yell._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“You told me you weren’t ready to get married, and then in walks your wife? What did you think I would do, stick around? Listen to Sam the skank tell your wedding story?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“I meant it. I’m not ready to get married, and I wasn’t when I went to Chicago, but if being with you meant marriage, I was willing to put my doubts behind me.” He leans closer. “I don’t care what the label is, Jackie, I just want to be with you. But if you don’t want to get back together- I understand. I just needed to tell you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________She stands up, stabbing her finger towards him. “If that was true you wouldn’t have stayed married for months. You would have made her leave. but you let her stay here and let her be awful to me- and YOU were awful to me too!” She moves closer to him as she talks, her index finger pointed at his chest as if she wants to take out his heart with it. “How are you going to defend that, huh?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________He shrugs. “I can’t defend it. I can explain it, but it’s not a defense.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Explain it then.” She’s moved close enough that if he stood he would only have to move two steps to kiss her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“I let Sam stay because it felt like an obligation. I made a stupid mistake, I had to see it through. It’s not like she had anywhere to go, or anyone to help her. She needed me.” He scratches his chin, his beard growing in making the spot itch. “And honestly, I needed her. You didn’t want me anymore. The Forman’s were pissed that I had messed up that bad. I was still holding onto a thread of hope that first week that you would come see me, and we could talk things through, but you didn’t. So I let Sam stick around. I tried to like her, I tried to use her to get over you, but it wasn’t working. You were always either avoiding me or burning me, and had clearly moved on, and I thought if it went both ways then I would too. But that didn’t work either.” He does stand up then, but he doesn’t move closer. “At the fair? Remember how drunk I was?” Jackie nods, the memory still fresh. “I drank so much because it was hard to be in the same area as you. On the way there, I felt like I was going to explode if I didn’t hold your hand. I knew I wouldn’t be able to do it ever again. So I drank, and it helped, and on the way back I thought maybe I could tell you how I had been feeling- and then you said you wished you had been drunk when we were dating. And I knew for certain you were done with me.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“So you let me fall in a creek.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“I didn’t mean to. I wanted to help you across the first time, and you didn’t let me. The second time- well, I _was _pretty drunk. But I wanted to see if I felt guilty, too. It was selfish, and I felt awful about it. I’m sorry.”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________She backs up, shaking her head. “It’s going to take a lot more than ‘sorry’ to make up for the last few months.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Then tell me what to do.” He steps closer; she steps backward._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“I gave up on you- on us- a long time ago. I’m not letting you hurt me again.” She starts to walk towards the door._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________He follows her, half of him wanting her to stay and talk to him, the other half wanting to let her know that he understands why she wanted to leave. “Jackie, please. What can I do?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________She looks over her shoulder as she opens the door, giving him a sad smile. “I don’t know if there is anything you can do. It feels like I don't know you anymore. I’m sorry, Steven. I think we should end it. Permanently.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________And she walks out of the basement._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________He stares at the door for a minute before he numbly walks to his room to grab his stash. He's not shocked that she doesn't want him anymore, but there's finality to her words. _Permanently. _That's the surprise. He sits in his chair and lights up, thinking of how badly he had done by Jackie, who hated permanent endings to things and had fought tooth and nail every single time to get back together with him, to make her lock the door on their relationship.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________There's nothing he can do except leave her alone._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________It’s December 31st, 1979, and Jackie Burkhart is trying very hard not to think about Steven Hyde, no matter how good he looks._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________She meant it when she said they were completely over, she did, but in the two months since that moment in the basement, so much has changed. He’s quieter, somehow, not in his speech, but his energy. His attitude. It’s like he grew three years in two months, and it throws Jackie for a loop every time she sees him. He cares more about things- his store, his relationships, his stuff- and when she had come down to the basement the last few times, it smelled less and less like his stash._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________Jackie, on the other hand, feels like she’s only gotten worse. She has money again, saved from her last two jobs and earning from the salon, and she feels like she’s that selfish brat everyone had hated so much. Not at all like the kind of girl she had been. Not the girl Steven had dated. Not the kind he would want back._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________But he does. Even after the basement. Even after two months of her fluctuating between completely ignoring him and being over the top shallow, she still catches him looking at her. It’s hard to tell if it’s a good look when he has his shades on, but when he takes them off, and she can see his clear blue eyes glancing at her and darting away when she looks back- it feels like it is._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________She wants to hate it. She tries so hard to hate it. But even with the boys she’s casually dated, she can’t shake the tingles that come when Hyde looks at her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________She can’t even justify it. Not to herself, not to Donna, not even to Fez. Steven Hyde isn’t a safe choice in a partner. He hates commitment, he doesn’t trust anyone or anything, he’s cheaper than Eric. He’s better at picking fights than anything else, even when he’s trying to be nice. Even Kelso is a safer choice. But somehow Jackie keeps finding herself wanting to be by Steven’s side when everyone walks somewhere. She sits next to his chair in the basement, even when other seats are available. She gets unreasonably jealous when he brings a girl to the store and introduces her with a mischievous smile._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________And she misses things- sitting on his lap, feeling completely safe and protected. Gently teasing him about small things, like the candles she’d put in his room and the time he got violently high and she’d held him til he stopped thinking that the cops were coming for him. Seeing his secret smile, the one just for her. Having someone she could tell everything to, because he knew how having a shitty family felt, and having him confide in her because he knew she would keep her mouth shut about the important things. The way he would always touch her, even if it was just their legs pressed together under a table or linking their pinkies as they walked, and how intimate he was in the smallest ways._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________So she meant they were done forever when she had said it. But now, she wants to give them another shot. She can’t tell him that, obviously, because that would be wildly embarrassing, but if he made a move tonight- well, she would be okay with that._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________But it’s 10 pm. He hasn’t said a word to her. She stays in the kitchen with Donna and the Forman’s, and the boys have all headed downstairs to have a reunion, the four original members of the gang. Even Eric is here, and she almost pulls him aside to ask if he’ll drop a hint for Steven- but that’s a desperate move, and she’s Jackie Burkhart. She’s never desperate._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________Steven comes up to grab some snacks for downstairs, and even though his shades are on, she can feel him looking at her. She looks at him, and he does a little half smile, and she thinks that maybe, _maybe _, there's a chance that tonight he’ll want to be her midnight kiss.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________It’s 11 pm, the Forman’s are watching the New Year’s celebration on the couch, and Jackie is quietly munching on some carrots and dip, and Lord knows where Donna is- probably off with Eric, still shocked about his return. Someone comes up from the basement, and for a split second she thinks it’s Steven- but it’s just Michael, his steps heavy enough to mistake for the boots she had bought Steven all those years ago. He gives her an awkward smile, and she gives one back before going back to casually reading some book Kitty left on the counter. It’s a crappy romance, full of bad metaphors and euphemisms, and if Steven was here they would laugh at it together. But he isn’t. It’s just Michael in the kitchen._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________It’s 11:30, and Jackie has listened to Kitty talk for so long she’s tempted to go down to the basement and smoke, but every time she thinks about it, she’s reminded that Steven's down there. She doesn’t want to go to him, he needs to go for her, like a proper gentleman. So she holds back and chimes in on the running commentary, the sounds of her and Kitty’s voices complemented by the occasional grunt from Red. This is her home, she thinks, not her childhood house or her apartment- this is where she grew up, the Forman’s practically raising her, just like they’d done for all the kids who set up camp in their basement. The only thing that would make this family perfect would be Steven by her side._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________Almost like magic, he appears. He stands at the doorway of the kitchen, opening a beer and looking directly at her. His glasses are off, so she knows it’s at her. And when she looks right back, he doesn’t look away._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________He just raises his eyebrows, puts the shades back on, and then walks back through the kitchen door._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________Jackie scrambles to get up, walking as fast as possible to the kitchen- but he’s gone. Back to the basement. She lets out a frustrated groan, turns on her heel, walks back to the living room, and sits on the couch. Kitty gives her a knowing look, and pats her on the knee gently, and goes back to her thoughts on this dress or another._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________It’s 11:56 pm, and Kitty sends Jackie and Donna down to get the boys for the countdown. The girls walk downstairs, and it takes Jackie a second to get past that first landing to where the last circle of the 70s is occurring. Donna does the talking. It's almost midnight, let's go, et cetera. She leads everyone back upstairs._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________But Steven lingers at the base of the stairs, Jackie right behind him, and she’s about to ask why he’s taking so long when he turns around and says “Are we still done permanently?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________Her breath catches in her throat. “W-What?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“Are we still done. Forever. Or has something changed?” He has his shades on, and she can’t quite read his expression._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________Her heart is screaming at her to say no, things have changed, and missing you feels like a whole in my heart, but what comes out is “Why don’t you find out at midnight?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________It’s enough to put a smile on his face, and he reaches out for her hand and takes them upstairs._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________They make it just in time for the countdown, and they stand at the back of the room. As they count to themselves quietly, she reaches up, takes off his glasses, and looks at him in the eyes as they murmur “Three... two… one….”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________They don’t even wait to say Happy New Year. Steven cups the back of her neck like he used to and gently kisses her as she wraps her arms around his waist and pulls him closer._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________When they pull away, she whispers with a smile, “Happy new year, Steven.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“Happy new year, Jackie.” There’s almost disbelief in his voice, like he can’t believe what just happened, and she goes on her tiptoes and kisses him again. And again. And again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________It’s January 1st, 1980, and Jackie Burkhart’s only thoughts are of Steven Hyde, and how good he looks with his arms around her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Author's Note:**

> twitter- nickr0b  
> if u want to support a broke bitch- venmo milo-edwards-1


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